|KEEP IT SIMPLE, STUPID!
please click here and scroll slowly down to the bottom of the page.
This article relates to followers of the Christian faith, click here for other uses of the word.
A Christian (also known as a chris-chan) is a special kind of zealous Yahweh fanboy or fangirl. Christians are unique in that they have a sexual obsession with a Jew hating Jew who lived roughly 2000 years ago named Hesus Cristi. They are well known for rejecting science in all its forms and ironically, themselves serve as proof that there is no intelligent design. They believe there is a vast secular conspiracy to exterminate their ilk by not forcing kids to pray to their deity and . The next logical step would be to feed them all to lions. They will accuse YOU of hating Jesus. Why do you hate Jesus?
A typical Christian's MO in the universe from the day their are miserably conceived and thrust into this world is to seek out the most promising scientific mind possible and destroy it, to be replaced with their moronic blithering stubbornness.
Christ fandom is one of the oldest, with a history that spans continents and centuries. To suggest to a fundamentalist (hardcore) Christian that the Bible is poorly-written fiction will probably result in you being burnt at the stake. Christians, like furries, are often very defensive about their degeneracy.
The most important day of the year for Christians is Easter, when, as jewish corporate legend would have it, Jesus Christ burst forth from a giant chocolate egg to save you from your sins. The second most important day of the year is Christmas, where Jesus gained 200 pounds in a matter of days (à la Tim Allen in that shitty movie) and then murdered the first born sons of all the heathens Moses-style.
Christians follow a religion that was created by the Jews to serve Jewish purposes. Basically, the Jews convinced half of the world to worship their evil tribal god YHWH, and even to worship a batshit crazy kike pariah named Jesus as "God in human form". Subconsciously this affects Christians in a severe way, causing them to associate the Jews closely with God, which has allowed the Jews, always a clever lot, to control societies for ages.
Something you may not know: The vast majority of Christians are in fact homosexuals in denial. This is emphasized by the morbid self-abhorrence displayed by the .
According to the Bible, at least 100 years ago, Jesus of Nazareth? was born in Israel to an unmarried Arab couple: a carpenter and a 14-year-old bitch
whom God paid ten cents to love Him longtime that was cheating with some other dude. Jesus was born in a barn, surrounded by animals because his parents were poor as shit. He was an asshole growing up, running away from his parents to heal lepers and drink wine in temples with hobos. Jesus is known to have made up some crazy shit and told everyone that God told him to say it. But of course, we now know that it was just all the acid.
When he was older, lots of people liked him and invited him to their parties because he could (allegedly) turn water into wine and make bread and fish appear out of nowhere. He also (allegedly) made people come back from the dead and ruined everyone's fun by healing aspies and everyone else that had mental disorders and made them normal members of society.
Eventually, people got pissed off at him for ruining their fun and using shitty box wine. Seeing the opportunity, Karl Rove advised Pontius Pilate on how to murder Jesus and become the leader of Israel, which at that point was owned by Rome. Eventually, Jesus was nailed to a cross, though he came back to life three days later. Jews were just as power/money-hungry then as they are now, so they told everyone that Jesus died for his followers and anyone who did everything "Jesus" said could go to heaven. They also made up stories and told people Jesus said them, then they wrote them in 66 different books that collectively make up The Holy Bible. Jesus's devoted followers actually believed this shit, and thus, Christianity was born.
Things that piss Christians off
- Science (unless it can be used to cause suffering)
- Bronies & Weeaboos
- Social Programs
- Genuine Freedom (They believe that if you aren't one of them, you are becoming Satan's bitch)
- Jews (But not Jesus of course)
- Harry Potter Books
- Anti Bullying Legislation
- Actually having to read the bible (TL;DR!)
- Barack Obama
- Illegal Immigrants
Things Christians ironically don't care about anymore
- Child Molestation
- Pathological Lying
- Explicit Music
- Violence (in general)
- Sex out of wedlock
- Teen Pregnancy
- Alcohol & Tobacco
1-4: All about kissing god's ass, nothing to do with being a good person. Fuck you, it's all about the Jesus.
5: Children should respect their parents, nothing about parents respecting their children.
6, 8, & 9: Actions that every single society practices, even atheist ones. Christianity doesn't own them.
10: You're not allowed to think certain things, despite the fact that people only better themselves when they want what others have. Oh, and it's ok to have slaves (which many bibles amusingly translate as "servants" in this passage.)
Nothing about rape, abuse, corruption, slavery etc.
The Other Ten Commandments
The other ten commandments are in Exodus 34. The first two are "commit genocide", and "srsly: commit genocide". Most of the rest are bullshit ceremonial practices. But this one is fascinating:
19 “The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. 20 Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons.
Note the lack of any mention of what happens to the children of slaves. Do you think the hebrews redeemed them (buying them back form Jehovah) at the rate of 1 shekel per crotchnugget? Of course not. There are several spots in the pentateuch where Jehovah clearly insists on human sacrifice. This is one of them. The whole business with Jesus was about God requiring a human sacrifice - it's what Christianity is basically about. Nevar Forget!
Christian mythology revolves around a Gary Stu by the name of Jesus. Jesus was a Jewish carpenter who was born from a 16-year-old girl, who got knocked up after she was encountered by an angel. After failing in his first job as a carpenter, Jesus became a magician, developed a huge fetish for BDSM, and became an hero for your sins.
As if this isn't ridiculous enough, Christians also believe that you must pray every day to his undead corpse to remove the evil from your soul that was put there by an all-loving God because a rib-woman ate an apple offered to her by a talking snake who was actually Satan.
Christians will only argue about Christianity if you agree to four preconditions:
- All information in the Bible is true, except when it's in metaphors.
- Jesus eats your sins so that you can go to Skyland.
- There is one God and He is real (and male). No exceptions.
and remember, there is also a list of guidelines to attacking the book of Revelation:
- If any strange occurrence listed in that book happened in any order remotely close to that written in Revelation, Jesus! The prophecy is being fulfilled, REJOICE!
- If you are arguing that an occurrence directly contradicted this book of divine vision, you must be reading it out of context.
- If you can prove that you're speaking in the proper context, and Revelation is still being contradicted, it must be in GOD'S CONTEXT.
- If the point is made multiple times outside of the context it is written in for that particular phrase, it must be a parable.
- YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO QUESTION GOD'S WORD ANYWAY. All questions will be answered when the Hale-Bopp comet arrives, and takes us to the level above human. Adventist are the ultimate Jew-Christians and should be ass-raped.
Disclaimer: Most Christians probably couldn't read that anyway, as the KJV of the bible is beyond most of their vocabularies. See the watered down holy book in layman's terms here.The Holy Bible: TL;DR
— TheXroadr doesn't have all the answers, but he's asking all the right questions.
Don't be dissin' Jesus now dawg.
St. Paul, as he explains in the Book of Romans chapters 6-8, was a massive fag. He dealt with this by deciding that he himself was spiritually good, and that his faggotry was entirely a product of his sinful, sinful body. It isn't he himself being a fag, it is the sin in him being a fag.
But thanks to Christ, if his sinful, sinful body did (and continued to do) these sinful, sinful things, then that was ok.
So it's ok to bugger small boys if you are a Christian, "Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!".
Salvation, simply, is that after you die you get a new, spiritual body from Jesus which is untainted with Adam's original sin, and you can be free of this horrible business of buggering small boys forever! Hurrah! But for the time being - pedo.
Christians and Sex
Unlike certain other religions, Christianity isn't big on giving you prescriptions (what you can or should do). Rather, Christianity is all about the proscriptions (what you can't do under penalty of God-delivered lightning bolt) to the genitals. Leastwise one good thing can come out of fucking a Christian girl. They are more likely to have anal sex since they cannot have Vaginal sex until they are married. It's not gay if he's under 13... right?
Following the tenets of Christianity can't have sex with:
- Anyone outside of marriage.
- Animals. Which means furries can't be Christians. Even religion has its upsides.
- People of your own gender.
- Members of your own family. (Unless you are Lot's daughters and have booze Genesis 19: 30-39)
- A woman who is on her period.
- ...or even your own hand.
Funny thing is, pedophilia is never mentioned in the Bible as a form of sexual immorality. So Catholic priests touching altar boys is awwwright according to 3,000 year old anachronistic scripture written by hallucinating drunkards.
Given these brutal restrictions, it is no surprise that sex scandals are common among the Christian aristocracy. The type of scandal varies by denomination:
- Protestants: Leave their wives to run off with teenage sluts.
- Evangelicals/Fundamentalists/Neoconservatives: Caught in gay sex scandals, despite being rampant homophobes. Example: Ted Haggard, busted for repeatedly hiring and smoking meth with (but supposedly not having sex with) gay prostitutes.
More ironic is that they oppose homosexuality yet regularly practice sexual repression, believing fornication to be a sin and that Jesus will punish you for even masturbating or having lustful thoughts about a woman. (What better way to prevent homosexuality than convincing men that being attracted to women is evil? lol). Despite evidence showing that feeling shameful about sexual desire actually lowers testosterone in males (and that testosterone levels may very well indeed play a role in homosexuality); not to mention studies showing it may even lead to developing sexual perversions (as in the case of serial killer Ed Gein and the boy-fondling priests), Christians prove to be their own worst enemies by encouraging the very behaviors with their Puritanical attitudes which they so despise, just like the conservative Republicans who oppose abortion while still opposing contraception and sex education at the same time.
—Some guy named philip with the truth
Despite his repeated ruination of mankind, he eventually grew tired of killing off nearly all of the population of which he created and forcing them to incestuously reproduce because he's such a nice guy. He does, however, hate fags. Just ask his favorite manslave, Fred Phelps.
All Christians are hardcore fans of the Bible and will literally stab you in the face if you do not immediately embrace their exact view of God. This exact view conveniently ignores Jesus' explicit prohibitions against self defense and divorce while embracing imaginary prohibitions against drugs. They reject basic scientific facts due to skepticism, yet in a stunning twist, they believe fucking everything written in any book labeled "The Bible", regardless of how unbelievable it is.
Oddly, that guy's name is southpaw, and left-handed people are EVIL according to the bible (that's where the term "sinister" comes from, TEH MOAR U KNO!)
The Bible: Special Edition 2-disc Set
Most Christians are split between the canon original (aka Old Testament) and the money grabbing reboot (aka New Testament). There's also the shitty fanfic spinoff of the New Testament (aka The Book of Mormon), which somehow manages to be even more batshit crazy than the canonical Bible to the point that even real Christians won't go near it, and there is much debate as to which version is best. Clearly, you can trust Encyclopedia Dramatica to give you advice on such matters.
Starting from the beginning of all life as we know it, we learn of God and the mysterious ways of how he rolls. The majority of the Old Testament is made up of telling a lulzy world history that science would've made boring (one must admit, "And on the 3,749,158th day, the amorphous blob grew leg-like appendages" isn't very inspiring when framed and hung up on some redneck's wall). The lulz stem from whenever God, seeing that his creation is plagued with sinners and evil, decides to troll IRL. These included actions such as flooding the entire world, creating the concept of foreign languages just to confuse everybody, slaughtering innocent children, and destroying everyone and everything having anything to do with a city full of faggotry.
However, God has shown a kinder side, as that last act caused him to give a similar city a second chance by sending some self-righteous asshole to tell them to cut it out. They did, but this wasn't enough for the man. Miles away, the man commanded God to kill them anyway, hoping to lulz with God. The man waited for days, but God, feeling untrollish, ignored him, turning him into a weeping husk of a man. God let him die, leaving him and the world a message: "God is not your personal army." The rest of the Old Testament is boring as desiccated dog shit.
Basically, this half of The Bible is used as proof that evolution is wrong and anyone who disagrees is educated stupid (That MIT education of yours? FOUNDED ON LIES). It is also used by trolls taking the form of Christians to tell people that God is an abusive, alcoholic, vengeful son of a bitch. It is also the part of The Bible that Jews prefer. Not that it means anything.
Did you know that God thought the script was weak from the start and therefore decided to kill off over 9000 characters in the first part, in a desperate measure to gain more likes?
It's a bit like the Old Testament, but with 100% more Jesus, and a lot less of God's awesome wrath. Basically, Jesus goes around, impressing people with His ability to hack into reality (and put Goatse everywhere), sharing his wisdom and love for his children and flipping tables over. He also says the Old Testament should be ignored. Many claim he was the only perfect man. Emphasis on "only", and for good reason: nobody could stand him. They couldn't take anymore of his anus perpetually crapping out moralfaggotry, so they nailed him to a tree. Shortly afterwards, the guy who grassed him up decided he'd gone too far, so he became an hero. Not much else happens, except for Armageddon, which involves Wal-Mart and demons using our heads as toilets (No, seriously).
This half of The Bible is the one more universally accepted as the shiny, happy, family-friendly version of God. As such, it was perfect material for a great, fun-for-the-whole-family movie, which would be called The Passion of the Christ. A three-hour guro flick, every God-fearing mother dragged their kids to see it saying that the R-rating means that the material is a sensitive subject that is told in a manner that isn't sugar-coated, and is intended for persons mature enough to handle it, like their 6-year-old son. Despite this glimmer of intelligence, this logic is never, ever applied to any form of media unless it involves how great and superior Christianity is (The Godfather, despite also featuring Italian thugs, was a waste of celluloid).
Forms of Christianity
Interchangeable with Evangelicalism, Baptist is a fundamentalist cult of Christianity that is generally associated with people who have three teeth and fuck their sisters; these people generally live in states such as Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina. Unfortunately, Baptists are also located all over the United States and world.
Although a roaring success as a cult, there's practically nothing which all or even most Baptists can agree on that separates them from other types of Christianity, except thinking yelling "I'm saved" is the coolest thing ever. Their members are often known for their fascist political leanings and tendency to be profoundly moronic rednecks. Southern Baptists also often say that anyone who dances and/or consumes alcohol is going to hell, which is total bullshit since half of the Bible is all about people getting drunk and fucking. They will stop at nothing to make sure YOU aren't having teh gay sexzorz, except when they are, in which case it's for the good of Jesus. Despite wanting to rape and pillage every intelligent thought outside of PRAY-AH, they've some how managed to stumble into politics to troll the gays as to keep them from prancing in fields and licking lollipops. Also, most Baptists <3 Jews which is just stupid. DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT! THE FUCKING KIKES DID WTC AND THEY'RE THE ONES WHO KILLED JESUS IN THE FIRST PLACE! AND THEY STILL TO THIS DAY LIE ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST, THEY DO NOT DESERVE OUR LOVE OR EVEN THE RIGHT TO LIVE, WE NEED TO MAKE THE HOLOCAUST REAL, WHO'S WITH ME???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HASSAN HASSAN!
—Jerry Falwell, PREACHIN DA' BIBLE
tldr; These types are either jew loving sheeple like the elderly in your family who believe in things like The Rapture (as popularized by Left Behind), or Full-tilt Nazis who'll stone and crucify everyone else on the Day of The Rope/Judgement Day.
—Pastor Ezekiel from Landoverbaptist.net
Baptists control fucking everything from their Jesus-clad ivory towers in order to sell SALVATION and stomp angrily at whatever happens to offend them
this week five minutes ago. They tend to alienate the entire nation by claiming AIDS, God's weapon of choice, is going to assrape everyone into loving Jesus. When not blaring their love of God on every TV, radio, and newspaper, they take to PREACHIN' TO DA MASSES. This usually varies from drowning people, punching them in the face, or raping eardrums through the power of extremely shitty music. The best preacher ever to be born is was Ted Haggard who warned the gay and drugged to lead a moral and just life.
Baptist services are generally characterized as extremely cheerful and fun. There is usually a snake-handling session with some angry rattlers, plus some spontaneous cancer and paralysis cures.
A tradition that many Baptists have is to hate on Catholics because of negligible differences in their Christian beliefs. They complain that Catholics don't read the Bible and are otherwise just ignorant, but what they often forget to mention is that only about 10% of Baptists have even graduated college. However, this still puts them way above pentecostals as well as Scientologists.
(Note: "Baptists" equals "Southern Baptists". There were apparently going to be Northern Baptists, but they didn't make the theatrical cut.)
Fundamentalists are not necessarily a denomination, but are usually hardcore redneck sister-fucking evangelical Protestants from the Bible Belt and the Midwest, who believe that evolution is a hoax, all media entertainment is evil, and that liberals are in a grant conspiracy to destroy Christian values by forcing their kids to watch MTV and listen to Jay-Z. Fundamentalist Christianity is basically a cult which gives the Scientologists a run for their money.
A brief synopsis of fundamentalists:
Fundies in Zion, Illinois (aka Jesusland) also taught that the flat earth theory was fact up until the 1950s, claiming that some obscure Bible passage proved that modern science was wrong about the earth being round, just like they do with evolution.
Fundies always claim to follow the Bible literally and exactly. They unabashedly state that rape and slavery - incredibly popular in the Old Testament, are no longer acceptable, based on the undeniable fact that the New Testament pushed the Old Testament into obsolescence. Trolling them is as easy as pointing to The New Testament book of Philemon (where Paul basically tells a runaway nigger to get back to his cotton field) or Matthew 5:17-20 :
Tldr; These fucktarded, jew loving heretics who don't even fully read the bible don't even comprehend that the Old Testament still applies and was not "abolished" by Jesus or some shit.
Cathlolics, or Cathyz as they are called OTI, are just as dumb as other Christians except they worship a creepy old guy in a phallus-shaped hat, pray to the Virgin Mary more than they do to Jeebus, believe they're eating Jesus' real flesh and blood during communion, and are even bigger vaginaphobes than the Protestants (they think condoms are teh debil, but banging an altar boy in the ass isn't as bad since there's no vagina involved). Every year, the Catholic teenagers go to Rumspringa, a sort-of spiritual spring-break, where they get to commit crimes and suck cock without getting in trouble. After they're done sucking cock, they go get wasted off of Jesus juice.
—Mother Teresa, using a double negative
The organization which Catholics belong to (and typically know nothing about) is the Roman Catholic Church, located in the red light district of Rome. It was founded as the Nazi pedophile division no more than 99 years ago by Adolf Hitler himself. It quickly grew in numbers as child molesters joined the priesthood looking for a nice bit of shota. Today, it has branches all over the world and probably has one just round the corner from your home. You can drop the kids off there at any time!
Founded on the beliefs of Martin Luther. Not to be confused with Martin Luther King Jr.(See nigra.) Martin Luther was one of the first IRL trolls, in that he used to debate the ideology of Catholicism by nailing pieces of paper filled with his anti-semitic ramblings onto the front doors of churches before mass. The resultant political instability from what was at the time, super heresy, eventually resulted in a thirty year long civil war that dragged in almost every major power at the time and killed eight million plus people and fucked up all of continental Europe for a long time. What a masterful ruse!
He also gets +1 Internetz because people to this day worship a religion based on his trolling.
He also had the typical German preoccupation with shit. He fought the devil by throwing shißer (amusingly retconned to "ink" by fags). He said he would fill his trousers with shit and hang them around the neck of the devil.
Lutherans are a naturally depressed race because, as Lutherans, they have fewer human rights than Jews in WW2.
—Jim Goad, from The Catholic Schoolgirl Fetish... it's not just for pedophiles!
This denomination had its heyday during the Dark Ages and is basically just a Catholic spinoff. Disregard that, I suck cocks. Catholicism is a spinoff of eastern orthodoxy. See The Great Schism for more info.
Episcopalians just use Jesus as an excuse to drink alcohol, which leads to all sorts of different interpretations of the Bible and which cocktail is right for which occasion.
Most of the other traits of the other Christian groups are not found with the Episcopalians since Episcopalians are typically not sober and have real shit to worry about. Episcopalians typically believe in evolution, sex, drinking, and all the other good fun shit the other Christians hate. This is because most Episcopalians are normal people who just want to make it look like they do the whole go to church thing since it looks good when they are trying to get a job or pick up women.
The typical Episcopal service on Sunday morning involves getting ready to drink at the end, followed by cocktails in the parish hall after. Then Episcopalians will have brunch where they will consume even more alcohol. By Sunday evening, they are usually passed out often in a stranger's bed, on the golf course, or are still drinking up a storm.
The majority of Episcopalians are OK with things like divorce, pre-marital sex and abortion, since when you are drunk most of the time these things can be frequent problems. Sex with priests is something that both men and women can enjoy, since there are male and female priests, some of who are gay so everybody wins!
Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses
Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the two weirdest offshoots of Christianity, best known for their constant pestering of everyone. Mormons believe that their church founder Joseph Mormon gained all the secrets of life by sucking on Jesus' penis in a vision in the 1800s and part of this knowledge was that all other Christians were DOING IT WRONG. He then got a visit from an angel called Moroni who said a chosen Jewish tribe had come to America two thousand years before Columbus and wrote a bunch of holy books and shit mainly chronicling how Jesus was an honorary American and told every Jew there to marry niggers and Native Americans so both could become white. (Silly Jesus, Jews aren't white!)
Unlike Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses don't add extra books to the Bible, instead using some whacko-jacko translation some guy pulled out of his ass one day. They believe Jesus died on a stake, that there is no Holy Trinity and they do not believe in Hell. Like all religions, they believe that they are the only people who will be helped by God into Paradise. However, Jehovah's also believe that the word of God is meant to be spread through any means necessary, which means throwing Bibles at car windshields, refusing life-saving blood transfusions for vague reasons, worshiping in Kingdom Halls rather than Churches, knocking someone's door every two hours, preaching the Bible for days in the rain to people who don't give a shit, being the Artist Formerly Known As Prince and generally being bat shit insane and annoying. Witnesses and Mormons are generally exiled to states no one gives a shit about, like Utah or Montana.
Other Christians harbor a strong hatred for Witnesses and Mormons and will claim they are oppressed by them as usual, even though they generally send mobs to kill them. Instead of the reason for hatred being because of their annoying and bat shit insane nature like normal people, Christians hate them for minor dogmatic differences. A Christfag will scoff at the notion of Jesus dying on a stake instead of a cross or God being one being instead of three different ones within one (PREPOSTEROUS!!!). They will laugh at the belief of Jews coming to America despite their own belief that all humans (even niggers and azns) are descended from inbred Heebs who survived a flood. Witnesses, in return, hate other Christians a lot, especially Catholics, and will take a break from their preaching to vomit on a Catholic they sense in the vicinity and wail at them and follow them around calling them Satanic.
And don't forget Seventh-day Adventists! They are the worst kind. They don't eat meat, drink, smoke, have sex, smile or party. They do other weird ass shit, like half-assedly following convenient kosher laws.
Christians and Jews
Like all good human beings, Christians hate Jews.
Most theorize that Christians are able to tolerate the Jews being in Israel because the only thing they hate moar than Jews are the Muslims, turning the whole situation into a "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of deal. Actually, that's an Arab proverb. Fuck Arabs, and fuck that. It's probably just that they are confident that Jesus will return when the Temple of Solomon is rebuilt and kill all the Jews in a single swoop. So it's a small price to pay in the long run.
—Richard Stallman 
Christians and Atheists
People usually consider Christians and Atheists to be mortal enemies, where as this is really not true, as everybody knows Christians are immortal. When not calling each other names and burning each other alive, both sides come together in brotherhood to celebrate how much of a dickhead each other is for fighting and threatening medieval torture on each other. This usually ends in smex on both sides which is completely forgotten ten seconds later when they are impaling each other and showing their non-existent genitals to each other. This cycle usually continues on a weekly basis at local churches and emo cafes. Christians can often be found on /b/ creating threads and ranting and complaining about how much they hate Atheists.
Christians and Quakers
While the Quakers may claim to be Christians, we know better. Shortly after being founded by a dude who was tired of the Christians' shit (and who some believed was Jesus himself, despite many claims to the contrary), they started advocating women's rights, the freedom of slaves, and not being pretentious douchebags who kill people for not believing the same thing. After making the state Pennsylvania, they all disappeared off the face of the planet, and only once in a while resurface to tell people to stop pointing guns at each other or beating up fags people. Quakers are Christian's worst enemies because the Quakers want to be friends with them while at the same time believing something different, which is obviously just an elaborate trap designed to lure Christians into heathenism.
It would come as a suprise to most, considering all christians are pro-life but what they don't tell you as such children are obviously spawn of the devil and therefore not a part of God's plan. In other words, Get the fuck out.
Christians and... Christians?!
Ironically Christians tend to hate their own kind just as much as they do pretty well everything else in existence. Often this comes in the form of clawing all over one another like uncivilized man-animals vying for the prize of who gets to be the most "holier than thou" of the bunch. Usually this is done by screeching like a howler monkey about how they're true Christians and all the other Christians are fakes, frauds and liars.
This is largely a result of the fact that their entire belief system is based upon a haphazard collection of ancient fables poorly written in three different languages that were sloppily bitched together during the dark ages with overly piss poor translation and a whole lot of "artistic liberty" to form a book that basically contradicts itself in every other paragraph.
In total there are roughly FIVE HUNDRED prominent contradictions contained within most accepted versions of the Bible. As such the Bible effectively reads like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" story where any asshole can simply cherry pick pious points to parallel their piggish personality and penurious points of view to pass off whatever piss poor rendition of the religion they like as the true Christianity. Of course blatantly ignoring all contradictory points and often retarding back to mimetic, circular catch phrases like, "God works in mysterious ways!", whenever they get righteously bitch slapped with their hole ridden hypocrisy.
Out of all the other religions, Christians are the biggest crybabies of the bunch. They make up around 84% of the United States, but still will always bitch and fucking moan about how oppressed they are. They are happy to shit over everybody else's viewpoints, but if you ever dare criticize Christianity, you will be accused of being "disrespectful". Example:
Typical Christian: Heathens! Hear the Word of God.
- All Jews are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
- All Muslims are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
Guy: Wait a minute, how are those religions any less valid than Christianity?
Christian: How dare you offend my sacred, deeply held beliefs! Stop oppressing me!
Christian: (in self-righteous defiance of Guy)
- 'All Atheists are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
- All Agnostics are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
- All Agnostics are going to Hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
Often they can be found on /b/ posting pro-Christian copypasta.
Christians (Internet Species)
Christians love to abuse other people's space and privacy, it's their favored past time, so when the Internet was invented they boarded the Jesus train to dialup to begin their cyber Manifest Destiny of shitty propaganda. Since these times, more and more religious Christ zealots find their way online to secure God's position firmly on its grounds. These types of people inhabit almost every conceivable community that makes up the web and constantly through the day/night some asshole is quoting the bible somewhere in an effort to smite some e-foe. Luckily, Christians make up a large pool of easily trolled targets because if the Internet has taught us anything it's that everyone is a hypocrite. It's only fitting that the people who spend most of their time telling others how to live would be the most raging hypocrites out there. This trusty flaw results in massive ruin and has been a staple of dramatic events throughout history. E-Christians (aka Christfags) are no different from their offline counterparts, however, their large numbers and gestapo sects do not translate in any way online. They are weak cry-baby carebears who quit the Internet forever at the drop of their hat.
Christianity LJ Community
drama. Past graduates have included purelily, foxmagic, and Nathan Sheets. Once upon a time, butt sex used to be the prime object of discussion, but now all "love juice" questions are directed at . Instead, the denizens of this community now get their holy mojo risin' via hilariously pseudo-nonchalant usage of Jewish and Hebrew terms, to make themselves sound more "authentic" or whatever.is moderated by jjostm, ariston, and pould. This community is the home of much
This group is especially useful for those who suspect themselves of being damned. A quick listing of your sins will result in helpful feedback indicating not only which circle of hell you will suffer in for all eternity, but whether your assigned demons will use pitchforks or cattle prods.
The group is able to offer this service through member myprophet, who has announced she is God's appointed voice on Earth. The Pope denies this, saying he is God's appointed voice on Earth. George W. Bush says they are both crazy blasphemers, and he is God's appointed voice on Earth. Attempts to settle the issue through a walk-that-water challenge have as yet been unsuccessful due to scheduling difficulties, however God is quoted as saying "Jesus fucking Christ, I don't know why I bother."
Provided are pastas for trolling Christians:
In the name of Satan, ruler of Earth, the King of the world, the Chief of the Serfs, I command the forces of Darkness to bestow their infernal power upon us. Save us, Dark Father, from the treacherous and the violent and make the river bed run red with the blood of the saints and the blood of the self-righteous. Oh Satan, Spirit of the Earth, God of Liberty, open wide the gates of Hell and come forth from the abyss by these names: Satan! Ba'al Z?bûb! Leviathan! Asmodeus! Abaddon!
Allahu akbar. Ashhadu 'an la ilaha illa-allah, wa ashhadu 'anna Muhammadan rasulu-llah. (لَا إِلٰهَ إِلَّا ٱلله مُحَمَّدٌ رَسُولُ ٱلله)
A trusty example of your common Internet Christian:
Christians are also incredibly good at walking into traps on internet chat rooms. Here's an example of that:
—Silveracecard trolling Christians on Catholichat
[+]Get your bible away from me faggot!
Lord Jesu Yos,u're lovely. You're more to be desired, Than any earthly pleasure. You're fine, beyond compare. Lord Jesus, Your beauty Does far exceed all others. You're comely and You're tender. You're radiant and You're fair. When I behold You Jesus, You draw my heart completely. I cannot turn away Lord, I rest in Your embrace; And time is gone there's only Your holy, matchless presence Abiding in You, gazing Upon Your glorious face. I give my life to You Lord, For You alone are worthy. There's nothing and there's no one That I desire but You. May all my days be Yours, Lord, My heart be given to love You, To treasure and to serve You By Your sufficient grace. - Common E-Christian behavior
Although Christians believe everyone and everything related to media other than Sean Hannity is the world of the devil, the production of Christian media is at an all time high.
Jewish pig nailed to the cross
Jewish pig nailed on the cross Death and decaying, needed to nobody Jewish king ended like a thief Crucified on peak of Golgotha
Kosher swine crucified Kosher swine crucified
Sold for thirty silver coins Died in pain and disdain Jewish beggar, pile of shit, Dead and stunk as their faith
Jewish pig nailed on a cross Jewish pig nailed on a cross
One day everyone will realize, That this faith is false jewish paradox, Which beguiled white man Free your mind from this filthy dogma
Your god is dead !!(8 times)
Though it is thought that the Crusades were gone long ago, these true Christians, with the help of their Holy Megaphone, they are allowing no escape for open minded individuals.
Emails to God
- Question the Bible.
- Ask them why they worship a dead kike on a stick.
- Jesus was a Troll (you been trolled, GBU).
- State that they're 99% atheist because they only believe in Yahweh and not any other gods like Allah and Zeus.
- State that Jesus was a control freak and passive-aggressive.
- State that since God does not believe in a deity that has higher authority over him, that makes God an atheist.
- Tell them that Christianity is a Middle Eastern religion like Islam.
- Ask what year Jesus was born.
- When surprised/excited/pissed, yell "Jesus Christ on a ___ !" Examples: "Jesus Christ on a black guy's dick!" or "Jesus H. Tits!") The more obscene it is, the more lulz you will generate. Extra points for making it long enough that they'll know that you don't just have tourettes: "Jesus Mary and Joseph hanging off the Cross for Chrissake God damn it shit!"
- Ask if he's a bastard child.
- Ask how many people were at his tomb.
- Ask why a crucified criminal was put in a tomb instead of a mass grave. Fun-fact if they can't answer: One of his followers paid for the tomb.
- Ask how Judas died.
- Remind them that God killed more people in the Bible than Satan did.
- Make note of their homophobia, pointing out even though homosexuality is a sin according to the Bible, the Bible also says Jesus forgives people of their sins, thus they should accept gays RAEG will ensue, most likely followed by a misinformed rant.
- Point out how gluttony (aka obesity) is mentioned as a sin more times in the Bible than homosexuality is and then immediately point out how many fat fucks are chrisitians.
- If they say "the Old Testament no longer applies" to explain why they don't have to eat Kosher - then ask them why they still invoke the 10 Commandments.
- If they quote the Old Testament to support their views (such as pointing out what Leviticus says about homosexuality) - then ask them why they ignore the rest of it, such as verses about tattoos being an abomination, or how the OT requires adulterers, girls who aren't virgins on their wedding night, and people who pick up sticks on the Sabbath to be executed.
- Remind them of their latent homosexuality.
- Remind them if that they truly believed in Jesus, they wouldn't argue about it.
- Ask them why they oppose polygamous marriage when King Solomon had over 700 wives.
- Point out that the Bible never mentions pedophilia as a sin - and that in Bible times girls were married off as soon as they start ragging.
- Slap them and ask them to present their other cheek for similar treatment.
- Ask why the talking snake is literal but Jesus' command to sell everything they own is metaphorical.
- Ask them why the book of Genesis is literal but why the book of Revelation is metaphorical (they don't believe the Antichrist is going to be an actual creature rising up out of the sea like Godzilla, even though that's what the Bible literally says).
- Ask them if God can kill himself - if they say "yes" then say God isn't immortal, if they say "no" say then God isn't omnipotent
- Ask them if God has a penis. If they say "yes" then ask them what he uses it for. If they say "no" then ask how then is God a "he"?
- If they say God isn't really a "he" or "she", then ask them does that mean God is transgendered?
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Einstein's views on religion.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Hitler's views on religion.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of anything.
- Give unintelligent, poorly-researched explanations of everything.
- Point out Bible quotes promoting murder, rape and slavery, then point to Matthew 5:18-19.
- Ask if Cain and Abel had sex with each other or Eve to make more people.
- Ask them if they've ever had a lustful thought or masturbated, and if they have, why they haven't plucked out their eye or cut off their hand.
- Ask why would God create rules that were impossible to follow, then punish the world/his followers when he could have just sent Christ and fixed everything right away?
- Point out that, based on the appearance of every other individual in the area he was born, Jesus was clearly either black or brown.
- Point at the gold cross dangling from their necklace and accuse them of worshiping a graven idol. (A golden one, no less!)
- Ask Christians the following: Do you believe in transubstantiation? Could you please explain it to me?" they explain it. Then you bring up Deuteronomy. (it says eating human flesh is forbidden. Transubstantiation clams that the bread at the last supper turns into real human flesh). Epic lulz will then ensure.
- Explain to them how they would worship an electric chair or a poison gas chamber if Jesus died 20 - 50 years ago.
- Really fuck up their dome by reminding them that in Isaiah 43:10-13, God himself says there is no savior and all men must contact God directly. Ergo, Jesus Christ was, by default, a false prophet. Much hair-pulling and stammering will follow.
- Tell them that you don't have to worry about going to hell because God could change his mind about what he wrote in the Bible. Remind them that God changed his mind when he sent Jesus to die for sinners, and went from being a tyrant who killed anyone who refused to obey him to being all about peace, love and redemption. So who's to say he won't change his mind again and do away with hell entirely? (And if they say he "can't" contradict what's in the Bible then this means he's not omnipotent).
- Say that Christians are tools of the Jewish-dominated Neoconservatives in control of the Republican Party.
- Say that Mary was likely only a technical virgin, considering that Jews circa 5 BCE were highly patriarchal.
- Say that Christianity is nothing but Judaism, version 2.0...
- ... and thus, Islam must be Judaism, version 3.0.
- ... and thus, Mormonism must be Judaism, version 3.5....for the iMac.
- Gently wipe the tears that begin pouring from their eyes.
- Proceed with fucking their virgin mothers.
- You can also place Bibles from your local library or book store in the "fiction" section for added bonus.
- Make a point that Jesus had two fathers.
- Point out that Jesus' suffering for mankind is dwarfed by the suffering experienced by even one of the billions of people he has personally shoved into the pits of hell.
- Use your hands to make quotation marks whenever you mention God or Jesus, or any religious figure.
- Ask how Adam and Eve only had two sons, and yet there are over seven billion people on earth now.
- Tell them that Christianity is a cult - it meets the very definition of a cult since the entire faith is founded on worshiping a Jewish dude who claimed to be a Messiah.
- Ask why they don't attack secular marriages since they claim marriage is a religious thing.
Show Christians These Videos to Troll Them With the Truth!
You can also send them one of these videos, for great justice
Marquis de Sade Provides The Final Words Of Wisdom And Nails the Coffin
To believe in God one must first have gone out of one's mind. Fruit of the terror of some and of the frailty of others, that abominable phantom, Eugénie, is of no use to the terrestrial scheme and would infallibly be injurious to it, since the will of God would have to be just and should never be able to ally itself to the essential injustices decreed by Nature; since He would constantly have to will the good, while Nature must desire it only as compensation for the evil which serves her laws; since it would be necessary that he, God, exert his influence at all times, while Nature, one of whose laws is this perpetual activity, could only find herself in competition with and unceasing opposition to him. Am I to hear in reply, that God and Nature are one? 'Tis an absurdity. The thing created cannot be the creative being's equal. Might the pocket watch be the watchmaker? Very well then, they will continue, Nature is nothing, it is God who is all. Another stupidity! There are necessarily two things in the universe: the creative agent and the being created; now, to identify this creative agent is the single task before us, the one question to which one has got to provide a reply.
If matter acts, is moved by combinations unknown to us, if movement is inherent in Nature; if, in short, she alone, by reason of her energy, is able to create, produce, preserve, maintain, hold in equilibrium within the immense plains of space all the spheres that stand before our gaze and whose uniform march, unvarying, fills us with awe and admiration, what then becomes of the need to seek out a foreign agent, since this active faculty essentially is to be found in Nature herself, who is naught else than matter in action? Do you suppose your deific chimera will shed light upon anything? I defy anyone to prove him to me. It being supposed that I am mistaken upon matter's internal faculties, I have before me, at least, nothing worse than a difficulty. What do you do for me when you offer your God to me? Nothing but offering one more god. And how would you have me acknowledge as cause of what I do not understand, something that I understand even less? Will it be by means of the Christian religion that I shall examine... that I shall obtain a view of your appalling God? Then let us cast a glance upon the God Christianity propounds...
What do I see in the God of that infamous sect if not an inconsistent and barbarous being, today the creator of a world of destruction he repents of tomorrow; what do I see there but a frail being forever unable to bring man to heel and force him to bend a knee. This creature, although emanated from him, dominates him, knows how to offend him and thereby merit torments eternally! What a weak fellow, this God! How able he was to mold all that we know and to fail to form man in his own guise! Whereunto you will answer, that had man been created so, man would have been little deserving of his author; what a platitude this is! and what necessity is there that man be deserving of his God? Had man been formed wholly good, man should never have been able to do evil, and only then would the work be worthy of a god. To allow man to choose was to tempt him; and God's infinite powers very well advised him of what would be the result. Immediately the being was created, it was hence to pleasure that God doomed the creature he had himself formed. A horrible God, this God of yours, a monster! Is there a criminal more worthy of our hatred and our implacable vengeance than he! However, little content with a task so sublimely executed, he drowns man to convert him; he burns him; he curses him.
Nothing in all that alters man one jot. More powerful than this villainous God, a being still in possession of his power, forever able to brave his author, the Devil by his seductions incessantly succeeds in leading astray the flock that the Eternal reserved unto himself. Nothing can vanquish the hold this demon's energy has upon us. But picture, in your own terms, the frightful God you preach: he has but one son; an only son, begot of some passing strange commerce; for, as man doth fuck, so he hath willed that his Lord fucketh too; and the Lord didst detach and send down out of Heaven this respectable part of himself. One perhaps imagines that it is upon celestial rays, in the midst of an angelic cortege, within sight of all the universe this sublime creature is going to appear... not at all; 'tis upon a Jewish whore's breast, 'tis in a proper pigsty that there is announced the God who has come to save the earth! Behold the worthy extraction accorded this personage! But his mission is honorable—will he disabuse us? Let us have a close look at him for an instant. What does he say? What is it he does? What is his sublime mission? What mystery is he about to reveal? What is the dogma he is going to prescribe for us? What will be the act wherein at last his grandeur will shine?
I see, first of all, an obscure childhood, a few doubtless very libertine services this smutty fellow renders the priests at the Temple of Jerusalem; next, a fifteen years' disappearance during which the scoundrel goes to poison himself with all the reveries of the Egyptian school, which at length he fetches back to Judea. Scarcely does he reappear when his raving begins: he says he is the son of God, his father's peer; to this alliance he joins another phantom he calls the Holy Ghost, and these three persons, he swears, must be but one! The more this preposterous mystery amazes the reason, the more the low fellow declares there is merit in swallowing it... and danger in refusing it. It is to save us one and all, the imbecile argues, that he has assumed a fleshly shape, although he is God, mortally incarnate in the breast of a child of man; and the glittering wonders one is about to see him perform will speedily convince all the world of it. During a ribald supper, indeed, the cheat transforms, so they say, water into wine; in a desert he feeds a few bandits upon the victuals previously hidden there by his devoted confederates; one of his cronies plays dead, our impostor restores him to life again; he betakes himself to a mountain and there, before two or three of his friends only, he brings off a jugglery that would cause the worst among our contemporary mountebanks to redden with shame.
Roundly damning, moreover, all those who do not accredit him, the scoundrel promises the heavens to whatever fools will listen. He writes nothing, for he is ignorant; talks very little, for he is stupid; does even less, for he is weak; and, finally, completely exhausting the patience of the magistrates with his seditious outbursts, the charlatan has himself fixed to the cross after having assured the rogues who follow him that, every time they invoke him, he will descend to them to get himself eaten. He is put to torture, he puts up with it. Monsieur his Papa, that sublime God whence he dares affirm he descends, succors him not in the least, and there you have him, this scoundrel, used like the last of the outlaws of whom he was such a fitting chief. His henchmen assemble: "It's all up with us," they say, "and all our hopes are perished lest we save ourselves with a quick piece of cunning. We'll besot the guard set to watch over Jesus; then make off with his body, bruit it abroad he is risen: the trick's sure; if we manage to get this knavery believed, our new religion's founded, propagated; it'll seduce all the world... To work!" The blow is struck, it succeeds. In how many blackguards has not boldness occupied the place of merit! The corpse is filched, fools, women, children bawl out "Miracle!" at the top of their lungs; nevertheless, in this city where such great prodigies have just been wrought, in this city stained with a God's blood, no one cares to believe in this God; not a single conversion is operated there. Better yet: so little worthy of transmission is the event that no historian alludes to it. Only this impostor's disciples think they have something to gain from the fraud; but not at the hour.
This detail is crucial; let's note it well. They permit several years to pass before exploiting their artifice; at length, they erect upon it the shaky edifice of their unwholesome doctrine. Men are pleased by any novelty. Weary of the emperors' despotism, the world agrees to the need for a revolution. These cheats are heard, they make a very rapid progress; 'tis the story of every error. Soon the altars of Venus and Mars are changed to those of Jesus and Mary; the life of the impostor is published, the insipid fiction finds its dupes; he is represented as having said a hundred things which never came into his head; some few of his own drivelings instantly become the basis of his morality, and as this romance is preached to the poor, charity becomes its foremost virtue. Weird rites are instituted under the name of sacraments; the most offensive and the most abominable of them all is the one whereby a priest, covered with crimes, has, notwithstanding, thanks to a few magical words, the power to bring God back in a morsel of bread. Let there be no mistake: at its very birth, this shameful cult might have been utterly destroyed had one but employed against it those weapons of the contempt it deserved; but men took it into their heads to employ persecution; the cult throve; 'twas inevitable.
Even today were one to cover it with ridicule, it would fall. The adroit Voltaire never used any other arm, and among all writers he is the one who may congratulate himself upon having the greatest number of proselytes. Such, in a few words, Eugénie, is the history of God and of religion; consider the treatment these fables deserve, and adopt a determined attitude toward them.
Of course, Marquis de Sade was mentally ill, a faggot freak, and THE original edgelord who fantasized about cannibalism and making people eat his feces so much, that he got v& and then b& IRL, so take this with a mountain of salt.
- Teh holy babble, The book these faggots fap to.
- Good person test
- Raptor Jesus
- The Easter Bunny
- Way of the master
- Fake Christians
- Chris Forcand
- John Hagee
- Kerney Thomas
- Focus on the Family
- Fred Phelps (of God hates fags fame)
- Neal Horsley
- Sherry Shriner
- Tim Todd
- Tony Alamo
- Tony48219 - A psychotic fundamentalist YouTuber who murdered a fellow student.
- Pewdie-Pinkiepie A fundamentalist Horsefucker and Young Earth Creationist who has a homo lust for Pewdiepie and fedoras.
- Christfag forum, needs more people trolling
- The jews killed Jesus
- GodIsImaginary.com - LoL even the name of the site alone inflames Christians! Show them this site so that they can hopefully see the folly of Christianity
- Fundies Say The Darndest Things! - A lulzy website that aggregates hilarious quotes (almost 29,000 as of March 2009) posted by fundies all over the net
- Theology Online - "Truthsmackin' for God"
- Yourgoingtohell.com - Christians are known for their impeccable grammar
- Biblical Research Center - The unholy lovechild of Christian fundamentalism and science
- The NSI Nation - christian
musicearrape at its bestworst
- Army of God - A Christian terrorist group just asking to be V&
- 20 Reasons to Abandon Christianity
- Homosexuality and witchcraft in schools - Oh my!
- This blog is made of pure fail and AIDS.
- Why Jesus Really Came to Earth -- with stupid responses from a Christard
- Some Christard thinks that comic book superheroes and Pokemon are works of the devil
- Use to troll christfags
- Virgin christfags united
- Christfag insanity at its finest
- Prayer talk show lulz
- rapture will happen in 2021 and that you should be armed for the the great day he is a holy man who is saving you from the Apocalypse he lives in a safe secret holy temple of christ hes are last soldier of christ are only hope for a future join him and his people. TODAY BECAUSE HE HAS GODS WORDS as well as the holy armour of god - some fundie Second Adventist Jehovah's witness who is warning us that
- [https://www.youtube.com/user/sanderson1611 Pastor Steven Anderson from the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Tempe AZ, if you want some hardcore preaching that slams Jews, Gays, false christians, and features lots of yelling, agressive gesturing, and beating the shit out of a podium, then his sermons are for you. If you want to just know the truth about the Jews and how they relate to Christianity (SPOILER ALERT: THEY ACTUALLY WORSHIP SATAN), then just scroll down to the documentaries section and watch the 1 and 1/2 hour long documentary "Marching to Zion".
Christian is part of a series on
Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.
is part of a series on articles which
are the subject of retarded edit wars
Beware all ye who tread here
|Featured article May 2, 2006|
Dungeons & Dragons